my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
