i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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