Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
