i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
