It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
