i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
