I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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