I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
