end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
