I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
