I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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