We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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