I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
