i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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