And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
