Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
