true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
