If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
