You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
