My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
