I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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