dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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