I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
