He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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