I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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