I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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