I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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