Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just found a bag of teeth...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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