Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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