The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
