My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i love accidental penises.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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