I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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