I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
