Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
