imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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