I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
