How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
