You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
