She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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