Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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