My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
