i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I have already put on my inside pants.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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