Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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