he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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