You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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