I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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