I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
