Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
