oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
