i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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