I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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