shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
