yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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