you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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