my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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